I want to make a VN-like game and I wrote something
Note that it’s for a game and not a book, so the format may be foreign to you
Also, I’m trying to make all information about the protagonist as vague as possible to maximize player engagement and immersion.
Primarily, the type of feedback I’m looking for is how to make the reader feel, and play with their emotions. Even if it’s something minuscule, like describing the peace of a safe and calm town. Despite this, I don’t mind other types of feedback as well.
Thank you in advance, and below is what I have written.
Part 1
Finally, free.
I recently moved into a new town.
I had just unpacked all my belongings and settled in my apartment last night, and today’s the day I start my job at the Happioca Café.
My training starts in… 10 minutes!
Good thing I’m already ready. I better head there now.
On my way there, I have time to examine my surroundings and get a whiff of the town.
The sky is clear and blue, and there are a lot of trees and grass, contrary to my hometown.
The beautiful outdoors is complimented by the singing of birds. I’m starting to love this place already!
Finally, I find the café.
I pause for a moment and take a good look at the storefront before I enter.
The walls are very colorful, and the glass doors and walls have fun stickers plastered on them.
It looks even better in person than it did online!
I finish examining, open the door, and walk in.
It was fairly busy on a Saturday afternoon.
A few customers waiting for their orders, others filling the tables and booths, talking to each other while eating cake and drinking tea.
I turn my head to the counter, and notice there’s a girl named Aya that I’ve contacted through email.
I saw her picture on the café’s website. She’s even prettier in person…
Due to my uncomfortableness in social settings, I struggle in my attempts collect myself as I walk over to awkwardly inform…
[Player] “Hi, I just got hired and I’m supposed to be here at this time…”
She responds with a puzzled expression.
[Aya] “What’s your name?”
[Name selection screen]
[Player] “[Player name].”
She gave me a surprised look.
[Aya] “Oh! [Player name]! That’s right.”
[Aya] “Come around the counter and I will help you get started.”
She looked out behind her and yelled…
[Aya] “TORI! I need a cashier!”
[Tori] “Coming!…”
The girl with green hair, apparently named Tori, rushed over regardless of what she was doing and took over the cashier role as I went around the counter and followed Aya into the backroom.
