A/N: Some Mature Content Present
The streetlight flickered as I passed, its glow rather faint. A figure emerged from the dark with a quick pace and I sidestepped to narrowly avoid a passerby.
Walking around at night… You’re asking for it, aren’t you?
“Shut it,” I sighed, continuing my walk. I was in need of fresh air to clear my mind after a stressful day and it was less populated during the late evening. The hustle and bustle of the city was something I tried to avoid. The thunder clapped with vigor in the distance.
Now isn’t this interesting? You’re taking a new route home.
Without responding, I continued forward. The lights were becoming less and less frequent, with patches of darkness stretching out with no indication of the next lit location.
Ah, so that’s it. You’re hoping something will happen, aren’t you? My god, that’s hilarious!
“That’s not it,” I protested, my eyes shifting about to scan my surroundings.
It is though, isn’t it? That really is rich. Are you hoping you’ll be mugged? Murdered? Oh, don’t tell me you’re looking to-”
“Shut up,” I hissed, interrupting the sentence. “I just want to be left alone.”
A figure skipped forward from behind my shadow, blocking my path. She looked at me with a cheerful smile, her face illuminating in the night.
Honey, that’s not going to happen. I’m not going to leave your side.
She wrapped her arms around my right sleeve. Immediately, goosebumps crawled up my skin.
“Please don’t touch me,” I spoke firmly, attempting to pull away, but she refused to let go.
Don’t be like that. At some point, you’re going to have to accept me. It really is silly to try to ignore me, y’know.
“It’s been working for me so far, so why change course now?” Again, I tried to wiggle free, but she grip did not loosen.
It’s sad, really. You are so insecure, you’re unable to confront your problems. The way you are now, you’re no different than an empty corpse.
She giggled, releasing her hold and hopping back a step.
Again I ignored her, attempting to walk around her, but in response, she shoved me against a nearby wall, pinning me in place. Her eyes burrowed into mine and I found it impossible to avert my gaze.
What exactly are you hoping to accomplish today? Perhaps you just want to feel something? Fear? Excitement? Were you hoping something would happen? Maybe you’re after pain or attempting to fulfill some sick sexual high? Fuck, that’s messed up, you know!
She started laughing, stepping back as she was absorbed in the moment. My eyes lowered to the ground and I could feel my stomach turning in disgust.
“Please, stop…” I said softly, hardly even a whisper. “I don’t want to hear anymore.”
My body slumped down and I squeezed my eyes shut until I saw white. What had I been thinking? What had come over me? My thoughts were soon interrupted by a cold trickle caressing my cheek followed by another on my lip. I opened my eyes and saw I was once again on my own.
This break was over and it was time to go home.
When I opened the door to my flat, I immediately locked the door, double checking I had for good measure.
Oh, so now you’re concerned about your safety?
I kicked off my shoes and left them carelessly scattered along the floor. It was as if my energy zapped away as soon as I walked into the small apartment, so I headed directly to the bed and flopped on the soft surface. My muscles began to relax a tad after doing so. I let my eyelids droop and attempted to rest, but the peace was soon broken by unwelcome whistling. The tune sounded familiar, but I was unable to place it; the notes felt almost merry.
“Why can’t you ever let up?” I whined, wrapping my arms over my head in frustration. “All I want is one night of uninterrupted sleep…”
It almost sounds like you don’t want me here or something.
I immediately spun around and glared at the girl, who had made a seat at the edge of the bed, wearing an innocent smile. Just the fight made me sick.
“Piss off,” I growled, sitting upward and tucking my knees as close to my chest as possible. “I’m not going to sit here and let you berate me anymore. I mean it, just leave me alone!” My eyes shot daggers into hers and I gave my best possible attempt to sound threatening. She said nothing for a moment, a surprised expression on her face, but my stomach dropped as she broke it with a long string of laughter.
It trailed off and she was left wiping a tear from her eye.
Well, well… Isn’t this a surprise? Did you grow a pair in the last 15 minutes or what?
I slid the pillow up to my face and hid my unraveling nerve, muttering, “I just want to be left alone.”
Oh, is that so?
My eyes widened as I witnessed her lips curve into a sly smile and as she slowly started crawling toward me.
But let me ask, is that really what you want?
She cooed, pursing her lips as she loomed over me. In quick success, she slid her knee between my legs and pulled herself right in front of me, hovering inches above my face. My back was pressed tightly against the bedframe, my eyes darted for an escape, but there was none.
Do you really just want to run away? Do you think living a life of solitude will be your salvation?
A brief yipe noise escaped my lips as her knee brushed too highly on my thigh, but she did not react.
We both know you’re weak. Your burdens are stacked high and your legs can’t handle the weight. You say you’re empty, but…
Her arm thrust forward, slamming loudly into the frame, narrowly avoiding my head.
Look, you’re brimming with emotions. See, you’re trembling! Do you really want to keep up with that excuse when you know for a fact it’s utter bullshit?
I bit my lip, trying my best to get a handle on my shaking limbs, but she scoffed at this sight.
Seriously… You’re trying so hard to what? Really, what exactly are you doing?
I remained silent, blinking my eyes, over and over.
What exactly are you hoping to gain from ignoring me? You can’t tune me out.
She pressed her forehead against mine and captured my attention.
I am right here, right in front of you. You can’t pretend I’m not here. It’s not like you’re making any attempts to really make me go away, so why not just embrace me?
She slides her hand to my chest and as she does, my body goes numb. Without effort, she eases me down onto the bed and pins me against the mattress.
Your heart is racing. Your breaths are shallow. This isn’t emptiness.
Why? Why couldn’t I move?
Let’s be real here. You refuse to acknowledge your feelings – you refuse to accept them. You simply go about your day all while wearing a ridiculous plastered smile. Even though I’m there with you the entire time, you just ignore me, acting casual. Keep telling yourself you feel empty, but that excuse don’t hold weight when you’re crying, does it?
Upon hearing her last few words, the feeling in my face returns and I immediately notice the warm trickling tears sliding down my cheeks. She lowers herself onto me and despite how small she appeared to be, her weight was significant.
“B-but you’re not real,” I said meekly, feeling more droplets welling in the corner of my eyes.
Of course I am.
She cups my face delicately, her gaze both inviting and haunting.
I am your anger. I am your envy.
My throat went dry and it became a struggle to breathe.
I am your greed. I am your pride.
With each word she spoke, the pressure grew.
I am your joy. I am your lust.
I uttered a sharp cry as she leaned down and bit my ears, purring softly in my ear.
I am your power, but I am your pain.
Her nails dug into my shoulders, slowly moving their way down, biting into my skin. She stopped abruptly, softly caressing my concealed arm with great care.
You are marked with scars, inside and out, but you chose to portray a boring extra in a play no one asked for. Like the opening in that Tolstoy piece-
“Anna Karenina…”
Ah, see there, it must have stood out to you in someway to retain that memory. What’s the point of leading this charade? What kind of quality of life is that?
She strokes the blemishes on my arm, smiling almost as if she’s proud.
Go ahead, continue to wear that damn mask you think you perfected. Go about and delight in an artificial feeling of happiness. But until you accept your situation, you’re going to live in fear that somebody sees that ‘ugly’ truth.
I did not respond. Her words did not fall on deaf ears, however, I knew she was right.
What’s worse, you don’t even happy an honest attempt at it! It’s laughable really. That mask is worn and you’re so afraid of it cracking, you just end up pushing everyone away before they can really get a good look at your face. You’re afraid what they’ll find is me, aren’t you?
I was.
I think it’d be worse for them to find the person you try to convince yourself you are: a person who is unwilling to accept reality and tries to empty herself while drowning in an ocean of despair.
…
I have to say, I don’t think you hate me nearly as much as you think you do~
She bats her eyelashes and softens her expression.
“I do though,” I insisted. “I don’t want anything to do with you.”
Then why is it I’m still here?
“Because you won’t leave!” I protested, but she shook her head.
You’ve never made the effort to get rid of me. Really, always blasting music to clear the voice out of your head… What I think you’re really afraid of is that vast void of sheer silence.
Truly, I wanted to argue. I so desperately wanted to scream again and again she was wrong. I wanted to.
That must be a constant worry, isn’t it? If you manage to get rid of me, what will occupy that lonely space left behind? You’re terrified of it. You won’t admit the fact that you need me.
“But I hate everything about you,” I whispered, my voice cracking.
Look.
She turned my cheek to the side, directly in front of a full-bodied mirror, pressing her cheek against my own.
Tell me, who do you see there?
Sure enough, I saw her, looking back in the reflection, tears in her eyes, meeting my gaze. I couldn’t help but release a small sob, the person I hated mimicking my actions in the mirror. The girl shifted off the bed, her movements slow and ragged.
The only person there is you. Maybe you’ve forgotten, but that is really you.
“Please, stop…” I begged, frantically trying to push the weight off of my chest, but it was just too great.
You’ve become weak, casting away everything that made you a person. Your memories, your thoughts, your emotions, your bonds… Grasping to a single fragile thread and wishing to be empty – until me… No… Until you accept you, you’ll never be able to overcome me.
The weight increased and the air in my lungs burst like an old tire.
Yes, I am your sin and I am your burdens, but in the end, I am still you.
My body burned and something slid around my throat. I raised my hands up and desperately clawed at my neck, hoping to relieve the feeling.
Until you are ready to fully realize this and open yourself up to me, you won’t be strong enough to bear it and you will succumb. I’m at my limit with your antics, so you have a decision to make. You can accept me as a part of yourself and embrace me; realize those things you call ‘mistakes’ and be with one with the person you tried to escape from.
Even though I knew it was impossible to respond, I tried to breathe out a few words, but it only made my throat itch more. The feeling was indescribably painful.
You also have the option to accept this strength, but still try to cast me out. If you can forgive the sins from your past and take hold of that part of you, go for it. However, the way you are now, it’ll only be a matter of time before we come back to this scenario again. You yourself are weak and so long as you keep pushing people away, you’ll never truly overcome this.
The tangled threads pressed harder and harder against my thyroid. I grasped at it furiously, but the immense weight held me down.
Is it hard to make a decision? Are you going to fall here and now?
Is death lonely?
It is called the ultimate slumber.
I don’t want to be alone.
Are you seriously afraid of losing the voice in your head? I see, you prefer the life you’ve been living, don’t you? It’s painful, but familiar. You get a high from it, pushing yourself to the limits. You’re not strong enough to break this cycle and you’re afraid of opening yourself up. But… When you push those boundaries, it will no doubt lead to this conclusion, again and again and again…
I’m afraid.
It’s true, happiness might be dull, but you don’t have to fit into a cookie cutter mold. Faults are what make people unique. If you continue, you’ll end up losing your balance and the chair will fall.
I know.
Really, you’re at the end of your rope. Even if you choose to just let go, I’ll still be here until the end. It all just comes down to whether you want to be saved or not, doesn’t it? I mean, it’s clear to me what you really want.
My body writhed and shook, desperately gasping for oxygen. Red formed in the sides of my field of vision and I could not break loose.
You’re conflicted about whether you want to give up this side of you. You’re afraid of slipping and showing weakness, but it’s clear. Eventually you’ll come to reject me once again. You can’t help but push people away, so what really is it that you want?
My vision was fading fast, but I saw a blurry figure in the distance. I reached out my hand and pushed myself to meet theirs. Our fingertips barely touched, but as soon as they did, I found my footing on the chair.
Due to the lack of airflow, my legs quivered like gelatin, but through some force of luck, I managed to stay balanced long enough to undo the knot. Immediately after it slipped off my chin, I collapsed onto the floor, coughing in a violent fit and gasping. It felt as if my neck had been boiling and for the hours I spent sobbing on the floor, the pain hardly subsided. Even when I was able to swallow without feeling like I was consuming a power sander, the waterworks were without end.
My hands grasped at the scratches and bruises on my throat, my body shriveling into the fetal position like a dying insect. Prolonged depressing wails escaped my throat, progressively amplifying. No matter how close together I contorted my limbs, it was not enough. My cheeks burned from the irritation of the salt water, but I was unable to stop, as the sounds of my cries and cursing was the only thing inhabiting the silence.
