Starmen.Net

Thistle Apartment, Vancouver.
6:30 PM on Saturday.

…

I wonder if it’s possible to waste one’s entire life away in uselessness. Come the weekend, all that seems left for me is the world outside. You know, searching aimlessly for my father, as if that man I haven’t seen in seven years will actually return. Snow is furiously descending from the skies, and the streets outside are mostly empty.

Lit by the incessant glow of skyscrapers, this is just an ordinary night for Vancouver. For me….for me, it’s boring.

Lucilla: Mason, what are you up to?

Mom calls to me from where she’s sitting at the kitchen table. That’s right, I guess you can’t see me, when I’m lying down on the couch and only my feet are sticking out.

Mason: As much as I’d love to say that I’m reading a book, or doing my homework, or sleeping, I’m just thinking.

Mom laughs.

Lucilla: About what?

Mason: About the uselessness of my life. That’s it, I guess.

I hear chairs shifting as Mom stands up, holding her laptop, and sits right down on me.

Mason: Mom stop. Mom, get off of me! It really hurts!

Mom doesn’t move, only forcing me further into the couch.

Mason: Mom, what are you doing?

Lucilla: Well, you said your life is useless, right? So I’m making it not. Because you’re acting as a couch for me.

Mason: But Mom, you’re heavy…maybe if it was someone younger than me I’d be able to stand it, but you’re just too heavy…

Lucilla: Then let’s find a different purpose for us to serve!

Mom reaches into her jacket’s pocket and pulls out a few loonies.

Lucilla: Let’s go eat something!

Mason: No no no, you can’t get into a restaurant with just those coins….

Lucilla: I don’t mean out to eat! Besides, Mason, we already hate! I mean…hmm….

Mason: Not only that, any vendors set up outside are all gone by now. By the time winter hits, everyone evacuates inside. The only place where you’d be able to get food for just those coins would be a….

Mason and Lucilla: A candy shop.

Mason: Exactly.

Mom gets off of me, sets her laptop back down on the kitchen table, and shakes the coins in front of me.

Lucilla: Don’t you want to go? You haven’t had candy in a while, have you?

Mason: …Exactly how is this going to make my life not incredibly useless?

Sometimes I find it impossible to trace the logic of Mom’s mind.

Lucilla: Because we’re paying the salaries of the poor souls forced to work at a candy shop on a night like this, of course! Let’s go.

Mason: Okay, okay.

Slightly reluctantly, I leave the apartment with Mom. She locks the door behind us, and dressed in coats, gloves, scarves, and boots, we leave.

Mason: Let’s take the elevator.

Lucilla: Well, we do live on the top floor of our apartment building…

We get into the elevator and ride down until we’re out, finding ourselves on a lonely back street of Vancouver. The main downtown streets aren’t far away, though, and finding the nearest candy shop shouldn’t be any problem at all.

Demonic wind blasts snow towards it, but we keep trudging on, Mom staying close to me. The street is dark and lonely, and only the flickering light of streetlamps keeps us going in the right direction.

Mason: Mom, do you know where you’re going?

Suddenly, the worry of freezing to death out here gets to me. This is why I rarely go outside in the winter, especially when it’s been incessantly snowing like it was today.

Lucilla: You see, there’s this shop that your father always took me to, back when I was growing up here. It’s on Robson Street. Called The Candy Aisle.

Mason: Ooh..nice name, huh?

Lucilla: Indeed, indeed.

Mason: You sure it isn’t closed? I’d hate to arrive there and have it be closed.

Despite today’s slothfulness, at the absurd idea of going to a candy store in the evening with Mom, I can’t help but smile. She always has the most brilliant ideas to cheer me up.

Mom gets out her phone and searches it up.

Lucilla: It closes at 8 PM today. So we’re fine.

Mom scrolls down and shows me the types of candy they have.

Mason: That’s a lot of variety…54 different kinds of gummy candies, you say?

Lucilla: Well, it’s not lying.

Crossing the street, with the snow still blaring down on us, we finally reach Robson Street, where a few people walk here and there. Despite it snowing, the constant flow of cars has reduced the road’s snow to sludge, and the glowing stores and lights of cars keep it bright.

Mason: Which direction is the shop?

Lucilla: Umm….

She starts fiddling with her phone again.

Lucilla: It’s to the left.

Mason: Let’s hurry. I’m freezing…

Mom puts her arm around me, and we share our warmth. Soon enough, a snow-covered sign says The Candy Aisle, except that the C has been completely covered in snow by now, as has the y, changing the name to The And Aisle. I laugh.

Lucilla: What’s so funny, Mason?

Mason: Look at the sign. The name’s changed.

Mom giggles too, and finally, with the cold freezing our skin, we enter the store to warm up and buy candy.

Instantly, the sound changes, and the wind sounds less harsh and threatening and much more relaxing. A bell rings. No music plays, and the store is completely empty, giving it a haunted feel.

Mason: The lights are on…but nobody’s at the counter. Are you sure it’s open?

Lucilla: If it wasn’t, then the door wouldn’t have opened for us.

Quickly, though, a woman comes through an entryway in the back to greet us.

???: Here to buy candy on this snowy evening?

Lucilla: Even on snowy evenings, candy will always be the best treat on the planet. Now, Mason, let’s pick out candy worth 10 dollars altogether, okay?

Mason: Wow…you’re willing to spare that much?

Lucilla: It’s no problem. Don’t worry. Come on, the point is that you’re serving a purpose, aren’t you?

Mason: I’m not the one spending the money, Mom. You are.

Mom dumps the coins into my pocket. It makes me smile, and she smiles back.

We start browsing the store.

Lucilla: Wow, this actually reminds me…I haven’t had candy in a long while either…

Mason: Don’t get too attached, Mom. Next thing you know you’ll be eating meat again and we won’t be vegetarians any more.

Lucilla: Oh, you’re right…let’s not go too gung-ho over the candy.

Mason: Why’s the licorice all dark? I’m used to colourful stuff…

Mom looks at it more closely.

Lucilla: It’s all Dutch licorice. Huh, interesting, I had no idea the Dutch made licorice.

Mason: …If only they offered ‘The History of Candy’ as a class online, eh?

Mom laughs.

Mason: Oh, here’s all the sour candy.

Lucilla: Aren’t they all so cute and colourful? Especially the cola bottles. Oh, and the watermelon slices. I might just buy some of these.

Mom gets a candy bag and throws some of the sour gummies in. She’s always been a sucker for them. I like them, but the sweeter kind of gummy always tastes better. Luckily, that’s what’s next in the rows.

Lucilla: Aww, they’ve got those fried egg candies!

Mason: Mom, they don’t really have any taste, you know that, right?

Lucilla: Oh…yeah, I suppose you’re right.

We peer over the candies until Mom notices something interesting.

Lucilla: Wait…are those gummy octopuses?

Mason: Octopi? Octopuses? I have no idea….maybe they’re both right….

Lucilla: I’m gonna get some of them, kay?

Mason: Sounds good to me.

Mom puts some of the gummy octopuses/octopi into our bag, alongside some cute swirly bears, and we continue around the store. Mom and I laugh at the jawbreakers, joke about rockets and their weird name in the United States, and gloat over the candy coated marshmallow eggs.

By the time we’ve rounded through the whole store, I can barely hear the snow outside, fully absorbed into a world of candy galore.

Mason: By the way, Mom, this is the only time we’re doing this, okay? Then we’re going back to regular eating.

Suddenly, Mom bursts out laughing.

Mason: Huh? What’s so funny, Mom?

Lucilla: If this were a normal family, it’d be me telling that to you….but here you are, telling your own mother that we shouldn’t be buying candy…

I get what she’s saying, but I can’t seem to find it funny. I just stand there, blank-faced, until the two of us go up to the counter and buy our candy. It comes to a price much larger than 10 dollars, since Mom bought too much, but nonetheless she just gets out her wallet, buys it all, and we go home with candy in our mouths.

Slowly, together, we walk home in the darkness.

Mason: You know, Mom…I don’t really know if my opinion of myself has changed at all….I’m still pretty useless.

Mom turns to face me.

Lucilla: What if I said that today, you made me happy? Would that be a good enough purpose, at least for now?

And I can’t help but smile.

Everdred of Burglin Park liked nothing quite as much as stealing. If he had to choose a second place, he’d probably say candy. Delicious chocolates, melting in his mouth. Caramels, ooey and gooey, soothing his throat as it went down. And lollipops. Oh, by Pirkle’s shining bald spot, Everdred could never get enough of those lollipops. He was a sucker for suckers.

And if someone asked Everdred what his least favorite thing was, he’d say babies in a heartbeat. Disgusting, whining babies, with strings of spit going up and down their mouths. They shrieked when they were happy and screamed when they were mad. The only time they were ever tolerable were when they were sleeping, and what was sleep? Temporarily not existing, that’s what it was. Every time Everdred saw a baby in Burglin Park, he wanted to throw up behind the banana stand.

With all that in mind, one might realize that stealing candy from a baby was right up Everdred’s alley. And on that hot summer day, when a couple with a little toddler walked into Burglin Park, Everdred scowled. He looked like a miserable child for sure, with his knobby nose and bulging stomach. How old was he? Three? Close enough for Everdred to consider him a baby. And wouldn’t you know it, when he wasn’t blabbering, it was because he had a sucker planted in his mouth. It was a shiny, scarlet lollipop, one that made Everdred salivate just by looking at it.

“I’ve gotta have that sucker.” Everdred kneeled atop of his house, rubbing his hands together. “Oh, that’ll be the heist of the decade right there. That sucker is mine, mine, mine…”

The plans were set. No turning back — Everdred never walked out of a heist. He’d sooner become a hot dog salesman. With a mighty leap, he cannonballed off his roof. His feet cracked as he made impact with the grass below. Did he sprain an ankle again? There was no time to worry about it. Not when that lollipop was on the line. Though his joints ached, Everdred slithered into the park, his mouth watering like a dog.

Act natural! Everdred whistled an awkward tune, pried a cigar from his pocket, and lit it up as he approached. He drew in a puff of smoke and bellowed it back out as he grew closer and closer. He bore through the crowd, elbowing anyone who looked at him funny. The little kid, that baby was right there now. And his parents? Busy chatting up some schmuck who had nothing to sell but his own sign. It was too good. Fortune smiled upon anyone with such mastery of the Thief Arts.

Everdred crept up, and the child turned around, sucker crammed between his lips. That sucker was gigantic. The kid’s mouth would have to be thrice as large for the whole thing to actually fit.

“Hey, kid.” Everdred gave a goofy grin.

“Hi,” the toddler said. “My name’s…”

Without a moment of delay, Everdred swooped like a hawk. With one slick swipe, he snatched the lollipop from the kid’s hands. Score! Everdred inhaled a puff of smoke, yanked the cigar from his mouth, and then ate the entire lollipop in one bite.

Crunch. The child’s face dropped like hail. Everdred winked, and with a long puff, he blasted the toddler with a cloud of cigar smoke.

“Life’s not fair, kid.”

With one final cackle, Everdred swiveled around and tore off into the woods.

“Slurpity-Slurp. I’m so sweet, you can’t lick me! Burrrp!”

These were the words of the strange creature floating on the clouds that currently stood in the Yellow Baby Yoshi’s path. Upon closer inspection, the creature looked much like a big cloud itself, albeit yellow-coloured, with beady eyes, blushing cheeks, a wide smile and cute little orange shoes. It also had a kind of smell to it that the Yoshi couldn’t quite place, but it was a good smell. It smelled…tasty, for lack of a better word.

The cloud then started jumping forward to where the Yoshi stood. It looked like the creature was trying to pounce on him. Realizing that he was in danger, the Yoshi’s quick feet got him out of harm’s way. The cloud creature realized that it had missed its target and adjusted its viewpoint. The Yoshi had never seen this kind of creature before, so he wasn’t sure what he had done to earn the cloud’s ire, but it didn’t take him long to figure out that this was probably someone that the meanie Baby Bowser had sent to deal with him and his differently-coloured Baby Yoshi friends.

Yoshi’s Island, where Yoshies of all colours and hues made their home, had one day fallen under hard times. Baby Bowser, who had once suffered defeat against the dragon clan, had shown up on the island without warning. Intent on revenge, he used a magic spell to turn the entire island into a pop-up storybook. He also took it upon himself to steal the Super Happy Tree, the Yoshies’ fruit supply and the source of their happiness. And since the Yoshies themselves had been transformed into living pop-up materials, a specific side effect of the kiddie Koopa King’s curse, there was nothing they could do to stand up to it. Satisfied with the damage he had caused, the little bully laughed cruelly to himself as he and the fruit-bearing tree disappeared in a puff of smoke to his castle across the sea.

In his haste to leave, however, he neglected to notice that while this was happening, six Yoshi eggs hatched at the same time, revealing six adorable, brightly-coloured Yoshi babies. These little babies were as happy as happy could be, but it didn’t take them long to notice that something was wrong with their island home. The adult Yoshies had suffered the brunt of Baby Bowser’s curse and were filled with so much despair over the loss of the Super Happy Tree that they couldn’t do much of anything. So the Baby Yoshies talked among themselves: If they could somehow make the journey to Baby Bowser’s Castle and take back the Super Happy Tree, perhaps they could break the curse and return the adult Yoshies to normal. It would be a daunting task venturing out into a brave, new world (especially considering they still needed someone to hold their hands while walking) but the babies were more than happy to help their adult brethren.

Unfortunately for them, it didn’t take long for Baby Bowser to notice that he had missed the newly-hatched dragon babies, and that they were (slowly, but surely) coming for him. Realizing this, the ornery tyke wasted no time in sending minion after minion towards the island, intent on capturing the Baby Yoshies and imprisoning them in his dungeons. One of those minions was the large, yummy-smelling cloud monster that the Yellow Yoshi Baby was currently facing.

The little dragon tyke spent a couple minutes trying to avoid getting jumped on by the cloud monster while at the same time trying to figure out how to damage it. Since it had said that it couldn’t be licked up like a normal enemy because it was…what did it call itself? Suh-wheat?…the Baby Yoshi tried using other methods to attack it. Unfortunately, none of his other attacks seemed to work either; thrown eggs just bounced off their target and jumping on it didn’t seem to be working either. The yellow infant was at a loss for what to do.

…which was when a thought suddenly occurred to him: Why not try eating it anyway? What did he have to lose? The bouncing yellow cloud was much bigger than the Yoshi baby, so he wasn’t sure he would be able to swallow it in one bite, but he decided to give it a try, nonetheless. It DID smell delicious, as well.

The Yoshi let out his tongue and grabbed at the monster. Instead of swallowing it whole, a piece of yellow fluff dislodged itself from the cloud and went into the dragon’s mouth. All at once, the Yellow Yoshi was hit with a taste sensation he had never experienced before. He wasn’t sure how to describe it. But it reminded him of happy things: sunshine, rainbows, warmth and other such things. He also started to get excited; he like what he had tasted, and he wanted more.

He also noticed that after loosening a piece of the cloud’s form, it was now slightly smaller than it was before. The Yoshi grinned in anticipation; this was indeed how he would prevail over his foe. He eagerly set about licking piece after piece off the cloud enemy. While its decreased size made it become more agile, it wasn’t enough to stop the yellow lizard’s ravenous appetite. And before long, he had completely devoured his tasty adversary.

The Yellow Yoshi baby’s taste buds were overstimulated, to the point where he started to become dizzy. Deciding he needed a bit of a rest, he sat himself down and licked his lips, pondering to himself what this new and unfamiliar taste could mean. Thinking over the cloud’s words, was this what the word “sweet” meant? He wasn’t sure, but he could believe it if this were true.

One thing was for certain, however: if the dizziness he was feeling was going to be a regular occurrence every time he ate something like that, it might be best if he ate a little bit at a time. The Yoshi nodded to himself as he stared up at the sunny blue-patterned sky.