The stage lights dimmed. All of a sudden, the crowd began to squeal loudly as Porky himself strutted onto stage, wearing swanky snotty kid clothes. He bowed to the crowd. ’Thank you, thank you!" As per tradition, the squealing continued for a half hour, until Porky got tired. Then, he made a giant sweeping bow, almost falling over in the process, and walked up to the porkdium.
“This is the very first episode of Jeoporky, Celebrity Edition! I hope you people are excited, cause I sure am! Although if you’re not excited, I couldn’t really care less. Ha! Ha! KOFF! Anyway, how about we give some more squeals for me!”
“Man, this is probably one of the best porks about this job, all the squealing. It fills me with such energy. It’s like I’m listening to a bunch of Pigmasks being devoured by the Ultimate Chimera, it never gets old. Anyway, shall we meet our contestants?”
The crowd squealed loudly.
“He’ll make you dance. He’ll make you cry. He’ll jump into your mouth. The hottest of the haute, let’s give it up for Fish Roe Man!”
Fish Roe Man swaggers onto the stage. “Thanks, Pokey”
“Porky”
“I’m loving the energy here, dude” Fish Roe Man replied.
“That’s not as much energy as it is fear of deporktation if they don’t pretend to be excited, but still. Anyway, how do you feel to be here, on this stage, in this moment?”
“Man, I’m all shook up.”
“Ok, enough with you, shut up. Next up on the contestants, he’s yellow in more ways than one. He’s the lamest boss in all existence. He also goes by the name “Worthless Heap of Garbage,” which is what I call him. Let’s give it up for, Negative Man!
“I’m nothing but a Worthless Protoplasm.”
“Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first correct answer! Hahaheehoohee! KOFF! snort Anyway, Negative Man, how do you feel to be here.”
“I haven’t felt anything in years but complete, utter, worthlessness.”
“Did you say Ness? Don’t you say that ever again to my face. Do you hear, suck-face?”
“Ok, whatever you say. I’ve lost all motivation for anything anyway.”
“That’s perfectly normal, though I would expect this to occur towards the end of one’s working career. Anyway, shut up. The next contestant is quite famous. You might remember her as the one who killed that one loser’s mom. Even though she can’t speak, she can still answer in roars. Let’s give it up for…”
“W-w-w-w-what am I-i-i-i d-d-d-doing h-h-here?”
“Why are you here, Spineless Lobster? You’re not even a celebrity! You’re just a stupid expendable respawnable enemy.”
“I-i-i-i-i g-g-got l-l-lost.”
“How did you get lost? Did you completely ignore that one ghost who tells you explicitly that maps are found in blue boxes?”
“W-w-w-why a-a-are a-all those P-p-p-p-pigmasks s-s-s-staring a-a-at m-me?”
“Ok, shut up. Well, let’s start. Our five categories are, Porktastic Fun, Lights-Chimeras-Action, Fassad’s Follies, Porkpourri, and Homestead Act. Our contestants are ready, and if they aren’t, too bad. You know the rules, I’m sure. I will read the question out loud. As I read the questions, you must slap the Oinker located on your individual porkdium. Then, you must answer in the “What is” form. Otherwise, you lose, losers. Anyway, let’s start. It’s hot up here, and I’m getting sweaty. Anyway, let’s start.”
Everyone nervously fidgets in their seat.
“We’ll start with Fish Roe Man. Please, choose your category.”
“Porktastic Fun for…1 DP? Why does every question have 1 DP under it, man?”
“Budget reasons. Anyway, here’s your first question. This foods with “pork” in the name recovers the least HP?”
Fish Roe Man oinked in first. “What is Hot Dog Sushi.”
“No. Remember, it must have pork in the name.”
Spineless Lobster buzzed in next. “N-n-n-new P-p-pork C-c-c-c-c-city?”
“Stupid idiots! I said a food with pork in the name! And remember, you must answer in the ‘what is’ form. Negative Man, how about you?”
“What is Bag of Pork Chips.”
“That…is correct, Worthless Heap of Garbage!”
The crowd goes wild.
“What’s the use of answering anything anyway. No matter how many questions I get right, I’ll never be able to know when I die. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next week. Maybe a hundred years from now. I have no way of knowing.”
“Well, that’s mildly depressing, but let’s go on. Negative Man now has the pricely sum of 1 DP in his account, and has control of the board!
“I don’t have control of anything. Life is just a miserable game of chance played by Fate, who’s betting that you’ll lose. And he always wins.”
“Just pick a stupid category, idiot!”
“Lights-Chimeras-Action for 1 DP. Oh well, what does it matter what I pick. I’m still going to lose anyway.”
“Ok, here we go! Question number two, What…”
Fish Roe Man buzzes in. “What is Hot Dog Sushi.”
“That is wrong. W. R. O. N. G., loser! I’m sorry, but per rule of this game, you two don’t get to hear the whole question.?”
Negative Man oinks in. “There’s just no way I can win.”
“That is absolutely wrong. Spineless Lobster, do you have a guess?”
“Uh…uh…I g-g-gotta g-g-go t-t-to the b-b-bathroom! Boo hoo hoo hoo! sniff *sob*”
“Well, it seems we’re down to two contestants. The right answer was Batangutan and Monkalrus, idiots. Anyway, Fish Roe Man, the board is yours.”
“Homestead Act for 1 DP”
“Ok, here goes. This president signed the Homestead Act into existence on May 20, 1862.”
Fish Roe Man oinks in. “Um…uh…geez…dumdeedumdum…Oh! Hot Dog Sushi!”
Porky’s face is turning red. “Do I look like an idiot, idiot? No! It is not Hot Dog Sushi, nor will it ever be! Negative Man, do you have an answer?”
“What’s the point. We’re all just going to die eventually.”
“Ok, I’ve had enough with your pessimistic views on my funhouse. Guards, Bash him!”
“It’s no use…I’ll never win…”
The pigs fly onto Negative Man and begin beating him. Eventually, he sighs and disappears.”
“Uh, boss? We found this weird metallic rocky thingy. What should we do with it?” says a Pigmask.
“Toss it. We have no use for such a worthless piece of garbage. By the way, the correct answer was, HeRe, AlL aRe mR. SaTuRn, bOiNg! Well, that is certainly an odd answer. Anyway, we only have one contestant left, so I think it’s time to declare a winner. The winner is…”
“Man, I’m thrilled to win this game, dude. It means a lot to me…”
“Me! The winner is me! Congratulations to I, Porky, for winning! Tune in next time for more Celebrity Jeoporky, because you have to! Spankety-spankety!”
The lights go black.
