Starmen.Net

Okay I’m just gonna list out stuff out so you don’t need to sit through a wall of text.

I almost forgot to start my day without my Greener trading cards so I grabbed a few and slipped them comfortably in my pocket.

- I think you meant to write "I almost forgot to start my day with my Greener trading cards." When you say "forgot to start without" you are saying that you did start your day with them but forgot to not start your day with them.

"Some red leaves here and there along with the pink skyline and the addition of the colorful sunrise shining over the urban landscape; it was the perfect combination for a photo."

- This is a pretty long sentence and it is hard to read. Try to break it down. I suggest trying to make the red leaves, the skyline, and the sunrise each their own sentences.

- You used 14 adverbs. They become repetitive and got a little annoying to read. Try to only use a few of them. I would suggest 3 or 4.

"You can use em’ to duel friends in a turn-based battle format and also trade them or go the extra mile and straight up sell them depending on their value; some are worthless."

- This is a run on sentence. The sentence should end at format and begin with trading them. Something like, "You can use them to duel friends in a turn-based battle format. You can also trade them or go the extra mile and sell them. However some cards are worthless. Don’t expect to make a quick buck on a (insert a card name here)."

"I took a glance at her photo on the wall and reminded myself to tell her “I love you” in the case that this could be the last thing she hears me say, assuming she hears it."

- A run on sentence. Split it up a bit. For example, "I took a quick glance of my mother’s photo on the wall. I suddenly realize and quickly say, "I love you, mom" on the voicemail. You never know it could be the last thing she hears, assuming she listens to my message."

Overall the chapter has some errors but they can be quickly cleaned up. How long do you expect this story to go? How many chapters? This one felt pretty short but it may be a short story so idk. Anyways keep writing, revising, and improving

GameCube Ness! You’ve returned! It’s been a long time since I first read The Greener Enterprize, but I still remember it vividly. It was definitely a fanfic that had potential, so you can imagine that I’m quite elated that you resurrected it!

Lochy mentioned a few things in his review, but I’ll add a few more.

• First and foremost, the tense of the story seems to fluctuate. You sentences such as “My camera clicked and took the photo, then automatically filtered out any unwanted lighting.” which are in past tense, but then you have sentences like “Greener trading cards are the new rarity in Redicon.” which are in present tense. This is a common mistake, but keeping to one tense makes stories much easier to read.

• I feel like going into more detail with some things would make the story more enjoyable. For example, describe Adam’s room in greater detail. What does it look like? Is it messy? What does it smell like? More detail about the Greener cards themselves would also be nice. What do they look like? What are they made of? Are there characters on the front ala Pokemon cards, or are do they look like normal playing cards? Expanded and elaborating on settings and character and object appearances can really enrich a story. This is a philosophy that I personally follow to the letter.

• “Not much later, my phone began flooding with text messages. They were from a random number, exclaiming singular words in all capital letters. Crap, not another BOT trying to get me to buy their stock or whatever. ‘YOU.. WON.. CAR-.’” These lines lead me to believe that this text would be important in some fashion, but it is quickly forgotten about immediately afterward. If you don’t have any plans for this, I’d recommend nixing it altogether. If this event will end up having some sort of significance, I think you should find a different place to introduce it.

• “This reminded me, I should probably call Mom.” This is an odd sentence, as it seems like Adam’s thought and his description of the event were conjoined together. I’d suggest some rewording.

• Now, this last point is more a guidance than a critique, but I hope that you start Chapter 2 off with a continuation of the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. In the last run of this story, you ignored it, leaving me confused as to what exactly happened and what its significance was. Please keep this in mind whilst writing Chapter 2.

Well, that’s about it! I really hope you continue writing because I’m really curious to see where this goes! It’s my honest opinion that you can take this story places. Remember to “go for it!” And remember to consider your reviewers’ points when writing and revising!

I await the next chapter!

Au revoir~!

Hello everyone! I got a bit carried away during this Winter break but hey, I finished rewriting chapter two! Please give me any feedback or writing tips! It helps me improve on things I don’t catch as a writer who assumes everything is fine as it is.